its ok to not be ok
It's been a while guys... sorry! Life has been... life? I have been busy living it, at least. Summer is "over" as far as school goes. Avery has started 1st grade online at Indiana Connections Academy. I like the idea of homeschooling but I wasn't up for doing that much of the work myself (some of you all are rockstars, I just can't do that! AHH!) so I like ICA because its all laid out for us, we just click through online and follow along. Its pretty cool honestly. And it gives me freedom to decide which days to do which lessons so I am able to have some days with a lighter load for work or doctors appointments or whatever...
If it's alright with you, I'm going to skip the small talk... If you want an update in what's been happening in my life for the last 3 months we can go get coffee or something, just let me know. For now, I kind of want to get something off my chest so I can start processing through it and figuring it out. (There's the big buildup.)
Depression, guys... It's no joke. And it doesn't make sense. There have been so many days lately where I have been feeling just so depressed. I don't even like to use the word but there's not another word for it. It surprises me. I don't have any real problems to be depressed about! I don't understand it. But regardless, it's happening, and I'm sick of it. I have two crazy kids to take care of and I will sit here not wanting to move off of the couch. I lose all motivation, and then I lose the whole day to depressed laziness. I have dealt with anxiety for a long time, I think most people do in some way... but this? It's very frustrating.
I don't even know how to explain what's going on in my head. Its like I feel one way but I think another way and the messages are getting mixed up in the middle. I know in my mind that I should go fold laundry or cook actual food for my kids instead of giving them cereal... but I just sit here, almost unable to move. It feels so heavy! Physically, not like a hippy would say "heaaavvvvyyyy."
I've been ignoring it for weeks, trying to figure out what the problem is and how to work my way through it. I remember when I was getting up early and blogging consistently, I felt very purposeful. For a long time my main purpose has been "mom" which is a GREAT purpose, but it can't be the only thing we have going for us. There has to be more. I try to remember who I am outside of "mom" and "wife" and sometimes it's hard to remember. Everything feels hazy.
So the weird part/flip side of this is that most days, I feel fine... normal... happy... however you want to put it. That's what is so confusing. I would say that 4-5 days a week I'm my normal happy, productive, creative self. But 2-3 days a week I just shut down. What is this even about? uggghhh!
I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better housekeeper. I want to be a better wife... I want to be a better me! How do you get better if you don't feel like something is wrong? I don't know.
The best solution I can come up with is to get back to reading my bible daily and blogging. Maybe, hopefully, if I can have a little time to be "Jen" before I'm "mom" each day, I will feel more like myself. Maybe my fuse won't be so short. Maybe I won't be so depressed.
Yesterday at church someone said that the first several books of Ephesians are about your identity in Christ. Nothing should give me more purpose than that. I decided to just start at the beginning and piece through it.
I feel like that passage is pretty encouraging, if you are a believer in Jesus. Thank God for His Grace. It is what makes all of this ok. And by the way, guys, it's ok to not be ok... We don't always have to have it together, or be happy even. It's ok to be human. That's how God created us, after all... And His Grace is sufficient to cover us when we fall short. Thank you, Jesus.
I am going to try to do better this week. I'm going to try to be more patient, loving, motivated, organized.... all the things... but if I don't succeed, it's ok, because His Grace covers me.
 |
| The kitty is mad he cannot sit on my keyboard. |
If it's alright with you, I'm going to skip the small talk... If you want an update in what's been happening in my life for the last 3 months we can go get coffee or something, just let me know. For now, I kind of want to get something off my chest so I can start processing through it and figuring it out. (There's the big buildup.)
Depression, guys... It's no joke. And it doesn't make sense. There have been so many days lately where I have been feeling just so depressed. I don't even like to use the word but there's not another word for it. It surprises me. I don't have any real problems to be depressed about! I don't understand it. But regardless, it's happening, and I'm sick of it. I have two crazy kids to take care of and I will sit here not wanting to move off of the couch. I lose all motivation, and then I lose the whole day to depressed laziness. I have dealt with anxiety for a long time, I think most people do in some way... but this? It's very frustrating.
I don't even know how to explain what's going on in my head. Its like I feel one way but I think another way and the messages are getting mixed up in the middle. I know in my mind that I should go fold laundry or cook actual food for my kids instead of giving them cereal... but I just sit here, almost unable to move. It feels so heavy! Physically, not like a hippy would say "heaaavvvvyyyy."
I've been ignoring it for weeks, trying to figure out what the problem is and how to work my way through it. I remember when I was getting up early and blogging consistently, I felt very purposeful. For a long time my main purpose has been "mom" which is a GREAT purpose, but it can't be the only thing we have going for us. There has to be more. I try to remember who I am outside of "mom" and "wife" and sometimes it's hard to remember. Everything feels hazy.
So the weird part/flip side of this is that most days, I feel fine... normal... happy... however you want to put it. That's what is so confusing. I would say that 4-5 days a week I'm my normal happy, productive, creative self. But 2-3 days a week I just shut down. What is this even about? uggghhh!
I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better housekeeper. I want to be a better wife... I want to be a better me! How do you get better if you don't feel like something is wrong? I don't know.
The best solution I can come up with is to get back to reading my bible daily and blogging. Maybe, hopefully, if I can have a little time to be "Jen" before I'm "mom" each day, I will feel more like myself. Maybe my fuse won't be so short. Maybe I won't be so depressed.
Yesterday at church someone said that the first several books of Ephesians are about your identity in Christ. Nothing should give me more purpose than that. I decided to just start at the beginning and piece through it.
Ephesians 1:3-14 (NKJV)
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, 5 having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He [a]made us accepted in the Beloved.7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace 8 which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and [b]prudence, 9 having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, 10 that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, [c]both which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him. 11 In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, 12 that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory.13 In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, 14 who[d] is the [e]guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory.
I feel like that passage is pretty encouraging, if you are a believer in Jesus. Thank God for His Grace. It is what makes all of this ok. And by the way, guys, it's ok to not be ok... We don't always have to have it together, or be happy even. It's ok to be human. That's how God created us, after all... And His Grace is sufficient to cover us when we fall short. Thank you, Jesus.
I am going to try to do better this week. I'm going to try to be more patient, loving, motivated, organized.... all the things... but if I don't succeed, it's ok, because His Grace covers me.
 |
| He ended up settling for this... 😂 |
Comments
Post a Comment