motives

It's a "coffee before talkie" kind of day. I'm going to have to go get a second cup real quick before I can write anything coherent.

 I'm not sure if my brain is not awake (it isn't) or if it was just above my head in general (it was,) but I totally gave up on today's passage from the lent reading plan. I read it like 3 times and then again in another translation, and it just was like complete gibberish. So I clicked around awhile and started reading in Job.

Do you ever ask God why He is silent? Why He isn't speaking? (I think that was the main point in one of my earlier blog posts.) Well, apparently, He is speaking, we just aren't picking up on it....

Job 33:13-14 in NKJV
13 Why do you contend with Him?
For He does not give an accounting of any of His words.
14 For God may speak in one way, or in another,
Yet man does not perceive it.

Here it is in the NIV:
13 Why do you complain to Him
    that He responds to no one’s words[a]?
14 For God does speak—now one way, now another—
    though no one perceives it.

 Not many people are lucky enough to actually hear God speak, as in an audible voice. I know I'm not one of those people. If I were, I might think I was crazy. God speaks to me in a variety of ways. It's up to me to be paying attention. Sometimes when I don't hear Him speak or give direction, I am forced to take a step in Faith and just hope I don't screw up. Many times when this has happened, I will get confirmation afterward that I did (or didn't) make the right decision.

Recently, I was faced with a very important decision that in all honestly chose a path for the rest of my life, or at the very least the next several years. I had to choose between my career and my family. I had my beautiful little girl 6 months ago. When it was time to return to work I had to choose if I was going back to my 40 hour a week management position, or something else. I had worked very hard to get to the point I was at, but it was also very demanding and stressful.

When Maddie was born, she had dsats while at the hospital, and so they kept her in the nicu for several days monitering her oxygen levels. She was on oxygen for about 36 hours. No one was allowed in to see her except myself, my husband, and our parents. Avery didn't even get to see her for several days except through a glass window. It was AWFUL.

When they finally did let her go home, they still hadn't figured out why it was happening and the only way they agreed to let us take her was if she was on an apnea moniter 24/7 and Eric and I both had to take an infant cpr class. (Traumatizing, much?)

Fast forward a few weeks... I had to decide if I was going to go back to work, and what position I was taking. I had no clue what to do. I prayed and prayed and I didn't feel anything but anxiety about the situation. I tried to think logically, and ended up looking at the motivation behind those decisions. The decision to go back to work full time as a manager was motivated by money, fear, and guilt (of not wanting to let my coworkers and boss down.) The decision to work part time was motivated by the desire to be the kind of mother I wanted to be (to both girls,) wanting to be a better wife (being more available to help around the house and with his ministry stuff,) and it required a LOT more trust and faith in God.

After weeks of having the same discussion with my husband about what to do, he finally told me to just work part time, because money will come and go, but we will never get this time with our girls back. (I love him. Have I mentioned that?) I had the very difficult discussion with my boss, and she was SO SO SO supportive. (Seriously, I love her too. Like a lot.) And so the decision was made, and I only went back to work 2 days a week which turned into actually taking personal leave and not working at all for the time being.

So, was that the right decision?

Well, Maddie was born at the end of August. I was scheduled to go back to work in October. We made the decision and I did go back to work, but the money was not what we were used to, and it was HARD. But, we had forgotten that October was Pastor Appreciation Month. A day after I stepped down at work we got a check in the mail. And then another. And then another. And it happened for several weeks, any time we ran out of money, someone would send us some. Or stop by with groceries unannounced and unexpected. God was providing! He is still providing.

It's been 5 months since we took that huge step of faith. It's been tight, and there have been a lot of unexpected things happen, but He is faithful and is meeting all of our needs. It's been very uncomfortable at times. But we have been so richly blessed by others and by the time we have been able to share together as a family. I'm so thankful that I took that step of faith, even though I didn't hear God speaking. He has confirmed time and time again that it was the right decision, at least for right now.

Do you have a situation where you're waiting and listening and not hearing God's direction? What motivates your decisions? Are those motivators things from God? Will they last? Maybe this will help you in the process. I hope so.

Til tomorrow.... :)