Sleep isn't resting.

Good morning! I did my routine a little differently today. I got up at 5 and showered before coming out to the living room to read my lent bible plan and bloggity blog. The shower woke Maddie up, so I've got company again. :)

I read several days worth of the reading plan, trying to catch up, but also because they were short and none of them really stood out to me at that point. Then I got to yesterdays passage:

Isaiah 35:5-6
5 Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
And the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.
6 Then the lame shall leap like a deer,
And the tongue of the dumb sing.
For waters shall burst forth in the wilderness,
And streams in the desert.

I read it 3 or 4 times and then stared at it for a while. The first word is "Then" and it made me curious what was before it. Because for there to be a "then," there was an "if" right? Or something along those lines. So I went back to the entire book of Isaiah 35 (don't be impressed, its only 10 verses) and read that. The two verses before that ^ were a little more powerful in my opinion:

3 Strengthen the weak hands,
And make firm the feeble knees.
4 Say to those who are fearful-hearted,
“Be strong, do not fear!
Behold, your God will come with vengeance,
With the recompense of God;
He will come and save you.”

I still don't know what to write about this. It sounds good. It's speaking something to me... but I don't know what yet. Maybe if I just keep typing God will reveal it... ok here we go.

Strengthen the weak hands, make firm the feeble knees... I don't consider myself to be weak or feeble... but maybe I'm fooling myself. I guess I think I hold it together pretty well, considering everything going on in my life. The last few months have just been one thing after another. Since about November.... its been nearly non stop "what else" mode. It feels like things are balancing out now, finally, hopefully. But y'all it's been nuts. My friends can vouch for me!

Maybe I'm gonna be speaking to the mamas here... I don't take very good care of myself. I've been in "survival" mode for so long now that - as I already admitted in the first blog post - I can't tell you when I read my bible last (before this week.) I can get so busy caring for everyone else that I forget to brush my teeth or even shower. I feel like before we can take care of our families we need to take care of our selves. I'm NOT good at this. Its much easier to get an extra hour of sleep than it is to get up and have time to myself (hello, sleep is time to myself, duh!) have a good start to the day by sitting and talking to Jesus and like, bathing. Not bathing in the Word. Like actual showering.

Sleep. I like sleep. But, for me, lately, sleeping isn't resting.

Sleeping isn't resting.

To be the mama that I want to be, I have to have rested. Sleep isn't doing the trick. It's more refreshing to go ahead, get up early (yes, 5 am for me) and read a little scripture and process it here with you all. I have been less testy (less, not perfect here...) and more productive. I have been less stressed out which means I can take better care of my kids, and you know what I've noticed? I think my husband is less stressed out too. I'll have to ask him about it later.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. 

Maybe you don't know where to start. I've been a Christian since I can remember, and I had/have no idea what it means to take refuge in God. Like, how do you even do that? How do you even start? I don't get it either, man. I consider myself a good person, and a good Christian. I (usually) get pretty strong feelings about what I should or shouldn't do... I see signs around me.... I pray, a lot.... but I've never been big on giving up my time to read the bible. I remember living in Tennessee, for about 3 months I had an hour commute to work in downtown Nashville. I ended up listening to the bible app (it can read the bible to you. very cool. technology win.) on my way to work most days. That's the closest I've come to reading my bible daily in my adult life. I didn't feel like it was causing any problems though honestly. I still felt His direction in my life, and saw Him all around me.

But lately it's been radio silence. And I have always heard that if you're not getting direction for the next step, stay where you're at or go to the last place you heard that direction. Well, when you have just over a month to move out of your house and no direction on where to go, it's hard to be still.

I've been doing my usual things in this relationship... praying, listening.... but I think part of this Lent process - taking up this new habit - it's taking the "next step" in my relationship with Jesus. I'm investing some of my precious morning time (*Cough*sleep*cough cough*) with Him, in His word... and He is starting to break the quiet treatment. ;)

We have a plan for the next step of this transition phase of life, but it isn't a permanent solution, so we are still waiting for direction and listening. And I'll keep waking up at 5 and spending time with the Lord, and maybe we will start hearing something. And even if not, I'll still keep seeking Him...

{Feel free to leave a comment if you feel like it.}